Christmas Time with the Johnsons

Typically, Christmas is my least favorite season. A hatred past down from my mother due to cold Ohio winters and schlepping around tons of decoration crap from the attic for only a short period of time. However, I cant help but let my heart get full watching Aubin come downstairs the day after thanksgiving and seeing the house decorated and festive.

This child loves Christmas lights and will take every opportunity to see them. Her little smile gets gigantic when she is in a store and the Christmas section comes up. Look at how pumped she was for her gingerbread house! I cannot wait to make gallons of cookies with her and let her make a huge mess with flour and then we can eat everything.

How can you not love it when a kid climbs right up on Santa’s lap and says “I want Moana and toys.” She is very decisive. Moana and toys. That is it. 

The holiday and Aubins spirit is helping with mine as well. Her joy is infectious and she is now so excited about her baby brother. She has named him Maui and likes to help pick out his clothes so he can be fashionable like her. 

Both Levi and myself have come a long way since the post about antepartum. We have seen a therapist and both have made amazing strides for our growing family. The babies room is painted and is coming along rather well. A few pieces of wall décor have been made for his “Where the Wild Things Are” bedroom. We have started to get his clothes ready and put up all the essentials.

He is a mover and a shaker for sure. Our last baby appointment the Doctor gave me the “Hummmm, hummmm, ????”  because my belly was measuring 33 weeks and I am only at 30 weeks gestation. We had to have an ultrasound to check that my placenta previa moved so we also checked to see what the baby was really measuring. Of course, he was 33 weeks. Look at little dudes dimple—gahhh I cant wait to see that in real life! Fatty fat fat checks. 

Time to get our asses in gear for this kid to come. Aubs was 10 days early so I am anxious to see when Baby J #2 comes---especially if he is growing like a weed. 

Do great things
Linds

Thank you, everyone

I want to take a moment and say thank you to everyone that has reached out to me in the last day. I am always in awe over the response from controversial posts like the one yesterday or the previous postpartum blog. Everyone has a story or some thing that they could contribute.

Its all about standing out. 

Thank you to the teddy bear of a man that let me cry on his shoulder in the supply closet as I was hiding at work.

Thank you to anyone who shared a personal story via fb, pm, or text. I appreciate your experience, thoughts and your wisdom.

Thank you to the girl I haven't spoken to since college. I appreciate your outlook that he may grow up to be whomever he wants to be. Boy, girl, transgender, or anything he wants. The different perspective was what I needed.

Thank you world for the Scary Mommy post about the bond between moms and their boys. Thank you Big Bang Theory for the show on gender disappointment. The universe is serendipitous like that.

Thank you to Levi, Aubin and Baby J. You all dont know what you mean to me. Thank you for being so patient and understanding. Aubs-thanks for the cuddles yesterday and the great Moana adventure last night :)

Lastly, To the people that may not fully understand how someone can feel the way I do, thank you. You may, or may not have reached out but I thank you because everyone is struggling with something and we all need to be there for each other.

That last sentence is worth repeating. Everyone is struggling with something. My issues do not devalue what may be affecting you in your life, and vise versa. Everyone should understand we are all fighting something regardless of how big or small an issue is to you. It shouldn't matter what is happening in your life, someone else may facing THEIR biggest issue on the same day. Be kind because you don't know, nor can you tell a person how to feel--regardless of how you think they should be feeling.

Again, thank you all for the kind words, the hugs, texts, and prayers!!! So today I will brush my shoulders off like Miss A. and make it a good day.

Do great things
Linds

Baby Boy "Blues"

I've gone back and forth about writing this. I don't want to offend anyone or make anyone think that I'm a shitty person. Lately, this has gotten way out of control even for me so I felt the need to write about it. I guess posts like this is what my blog is all about-so here goes.

I am struggling with the thought of having a boy.

A rare moment of Aubs loving the bump

It seems so silly to feel the way that I do. I have friends who are not able to have babies and friends whose babies are no longer physically on this earth and I am sad that I'm having a boy? A healthy, wiggling, kicking boy? WTF is wrong with me? How can I feel like this when so many people would give anything to have my baby boy?

I think that every time I start to get sinking feeling. We were so sure it was a girl that I think that set me up. I've gone through waves of being fine and then waves of being very low. I have been in a low for longer than I would like.  Last night was my breaking point- I finally broke down and sobbed in Levi's arms. He knew I was having a hard time, but I'm not sure he knew it was this serious. 

Every day there is something that picks at me about it. Aubin consistently tells me he is a girl. She wants to name him "girl". I've cried in target while looking at boys clothes and then realizing that I wandered to the baby girl section while touching the fabrics and twisting the bows around my fingers. I'm not even remotely motivated to start his room or get baby man clothes hung up in his closet. Names?? Yeah, nope. I think that is what hurts me the most about this right now. I am not giving him the same affection that I had for Aubin and that makes me feel the worst. Don't get this construed with me not wanting my child- that is not the case at all. He was planned and is very wanted and needed. 

"Making this shit up as I go" is an understatment

One thing I am worried about is the fact that my postpartum was so bad with Aubin that I don't want baby boy to come out and it be even worse because I'm being a dick mom who can't feel happy about adding a boy to our family. PP is such a shitty head-space and I don't want to set ourselves up for failure already. Maybe I need to go on my meds prior to dude coming. I DEFINITELY need to go talk to someone about what is happening in my head. 

The other day prior to my meltdown Levi told me that he still felt like he was meant to be an all girl dad but was okay with the challenge of a boy. That makes me happy at least. And thank you. Thank you for being so patient with me, and listening to me and holding me while I cry on you. I love you.

I'm sure that this has happened to other people and I would love to hear advice for how to handle it---good or bad. I cant be the only mom who has struggled with this right??

Just survive,
Linds

Being Knocked Up Part Deux

When people ask me how this pregnancy is different from the first time all I can say is I’m God damn exhausted. I could end this blog post right here because that legit sums up everything that I am feeling.

This time around things are so much harder. Chasing a 2.5 year old and being pregnant is hard. Being sick every day is hard. Getting fat so much sooner is hard. The whole thing is HARD. 

Wait, I have to share my stuff?? 

Ha. You're joking right?

But contrary to my previous bitching, there are some funny/amazing parts. Aubin is obsessed with her baby. She wants to name “her” ROCK lol. Also, every night we have this elaborate goodnight kiss routine: 3 kisses, 1 nose kiss, kiss aubs forehead, she kissed mine, and then exchange butterfly kisses. Aggressive but it works. Anyway, now she doles out the smootches to levi, the dog, me and then lifts my shirt up and mashes her nose as far as she can into my belly button and has to “kiss the baby” <3

Another funny thing that recently happened was LJ and I went on a date to the new Ethiopian place downtown. Service sucked, food was whatever but we had fun. If you have ever eaten Ethiopian food you know the next morning you have the same smell aura as if you went on a drinking bender with the coolest Frat in college. You smell like food death. Sounds cool until your nostrils are burning and you are dying. Long story short, Levi farted in the kitchen while I was cooking breakfast and I immediately threw up. Not a joke. Fart = Vomit. That’s how badly we smelled. We both couldn’t stop laughing about that one. I’m laughing as I type it actually.

This man--smell like death?? no.way.

This time around I am much lax with everything. Food- I would like it all thank you. Nope I am not going to track that shit in My Fitness Pal, and Macros?? Get out of here with that crap. I am going to enjoy this amazing process with my buffet pants and be happy. Yes, I know I will gain weight...I am making a human.

Mama's over it. I'm over it. 

All in all we are very lucky to be on this baby journey again. We are all so happy to have another person to snuggle and love when the time comes. I hope all my craziness now makes sense---I’m really not a super asshole, I am just pregnant and crazy.  

Do great things

Linds

Potty Training Blunders

Momma Blog update because I have a toddler and writing is hard. 

1-We turned 2. She had a Brown Bear Brown Bear themed party. Momma spent too much.

2-We took a trip to Ohio to see the family. Zoo. African Safari. Tofts Ice Cream. Grandparents. Solo momma on the airplane home.

   -We talk in full sentences. “No, no, no, momma! Stop talking!” cool.

4 -Aubs switched schools. Momma spent/spends too much.

Which brings us to the point of today’s blog. We are in full on potty training mode. Like let’s pick out the cutest baby undies in the world, and try not to pee on Minnies head. Meh. Whatever works?

We are very serious about pee and coloring

The new school has totally killed it with potty training. They have these super mini toilets (not even the seats, like full on tiny toilets) and the kids can just hop right up and do their things. They told us to send her to school with panties on and I nearly fainted. Whatttt?? My Tiny in panties at school??? Y’all serious because you’re going to be cleaning up pee all day long. Needless to say, it took them 3 days before she had an accident free day. THREE DAYS. That night we went to the store and picked out a toy that she wanted and came home. I set her up to watch some Mickey Mouse Clubhouse like any good mother would, and then heard “Mommy, I go pee pee!!” Cool, I thought, and walked over to give her a high five. Problem was, she was sitting on the couch-between the cushions-soaked in pee. Fantastic. Hopefully, soon she gets it.

 Here are some other funny things that we have gone through:

Aubin shit on the floor and then tried to pick it up and put it in the potty. Nice try sister. A for effort.

Every time we sit on the “big potty” we need to brush our teeth. For some reason she has linked these two activities together. I'm down with it because she brushes her teeth probably 58 times a day. #teamnocavities

She picked up the "pee bin" from her baby potty and tried to put it in the big toilet. And spilled it. Without missing a beat appropriately yelled, “God Damnit”. I feel you girl, I feel you.

Every snapchat I have of her, in some form has her naked butt or her sitting on the pot. Its her fav.

Coming out of the target potty….”Daddy, I peed!! Mommy pooped!!” Well played little, well played. 

Terrified looking as she walked in on Levi standing a peeing.

She farts and says “I toot” with a smug look J

Word count:

Potty-7

Pee-9

Grossness- Zillion

Do great things

Linds

A Year Since Aubin's Seizure

It has been a whole year since Aubin had her febrile seizure. A whole year. This morning I woke up and as I was getting myself ready I hesitantly looked at my timehop knowing the pictures that were coming. My poor tiny, frail, red faced baby doll all strapped in an ambulance. You can read the whole story here as even writing about it gives me the uneasy belly.

Since last year, I have become the mama bear about fevers and medicine for babies. Anytime she feels remotely warm she gets Motrin. We cycle Motrin and Tylenol and I truly don’t feel like I am “ruining her liver” or “making her dependent” as some people see it. We believe that she has had one other seizure since last year but cannot be sure as it was in the middle of the night and we did not witness it. That was a very hard event to swallow knowing that we were not there for her during that scary time.

Here is what I have learned about that situation though. Know the Emergency Room that you will be going to in case of well, an emergency. We didn’t know, and we could have saved an hour or so by having that information on hand instead of me calling BCBS and trying to figure out where to go. I feel a lot of mommy guilt for not knowing. Sounds super easy but you wouldn’t believe the people that don’t know where to go!! I mean we didn’t! This leads to trusting yourself and your mom/dad gut as well. I knew we needed to go to the ER but we waited it out and it was the wrong decision. Trust your instincts.

Finally, Aubin has been on the up and up for the last 6 or so months (knock on wood). We still do breathing treatments twice a day. She is vivacious, loud and amazing!! She knows how to count to 20, can say her alphabet (h-i-j-k- ELMO-p), talks like a grown up and is working on potty training.

I cannot image our lives without that beautiful baby!! Happy ambulance ride day girlfriend—I hope we never have to experience that ever again!

Do great things

Linds