I've gone back and forth about writing this. I don't want
to offend anyone or make anyone think that I'm a shitty person. Lately, this has gotten way out of control even for me so I felt the need to write about it. I guess
posts like this is what my blog is all about-so here goes.
I am struggling with the thought of having a boy.
It
seems so silly to feel the way that I do. I have friends who are not able to
have babies and friends whose babies are no longer physically on this earth and
I am sad that I'm having a boy? A healthy, wiggling, kicking boy? WTF is wrong
with me? How can I feel like this when so many people would give anything to
have my baby boy?
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| A rare moment of Aubs loving the bump |
Every day there is something that picks at me about it. Aubin consistently tells me he is a girl. She wants to name him "girl". I've cried in target while looking at boys clothes and then realizing that I wandered to the baby girl section while touching the fabrics and twisting the bows around my fingers. I'm not even remotely motivated to start his room or get baby man clothes hung up in his closet. Names?? Yeah, nope. I think that is what hurts me the most about this right now. I am not giving him the same affection that I had for Aubin and that makes me feel the worst. Don't get this construed with me not wanting my child- that is not the case at all. He was planned and is very wanted and needed.
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| "Making this shit up as I go" is an understatment |
One thing I am worried about is the fact that my postpartum was so bad with Aubin that I don't want baby boy to come out and it be
even worse because I'm being a dick mom who can't feel happy about adding a boy
to our family. PP is such a shitty head-space and I don't want to set ourselves up
for failure already. Maybe I need to go on my meds prior to dude coming. I DEFINITELY need to go talk to someone about what is happening in my head.
I'm sure that this has happened to other people and I
would love to hear advice for how to handle it---good or bad. I cant be the only mom who has struggled with this right??
Just survive,
Linds
Just survive,
Linds
Girllllll - BOYS ARE AWESOME (not that I can even think about raising a kid) but if I could choose between a boy or a girl I'd choose a girl (and I still have to ask Andrew questions about all that boy stuff ((watch BIG MOUTH on Netflick)) (((or maybe don't))) )
ReplyDeleteAnd don't feel bad. Hormones + Hormones + Hormones = cry city. Hell I just stopped taking my birth control when I broke my leg and was like WHOA THIS IS WHAT NORMAL FEELS LIKE.
Plus just because someone is in a worse place than you or someone's scenario is different doesn't mean that yours is less than. You feel those feelings loud and proud.
Basically having a kid in general, and now 2 seems like the biggest responsibility in the entire world (unless you're that octo-mom then you're INSANE) so cry it out, eat the ice cream, start buying boy stuff, and hey - he could always be gay! (I tell Andrew all the time)
Hope this made you laugh a little
I struggle with the opposite! After having two boys, the thought of a girl almost makes me sad and absolutely terrified. I struggled with the boys being so close in age and feared I couldn't love Brody like I loved Nicky because Nicky was my first and still a baby himself. Every single feeling melted away when Brody was born. In all honesty, you love them both but the love is different. There are different things that make the bond strong and they are so different for both of my boys. Just know that the fear is actually pretty normal...it may take some time to adjust but you're going to love him no matter what ��
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ReplyDeleteDude, I was not happy when I found out that I was having a girl. Disappointed. For me. For Eron. For the wee baby thing growing in me. We had a boy name. And I already wasn't trilled about being pregnant. I bought Red Sox and hockey onsies. If I wasn't going to have a boy I'd at least have a girl who would watch sports with daddy. I resolved to raise a confident, strong daughter who would never know gender boundaries. I loved her as soon as I saw her but it took weeks to bond with her. Weeks. She is my world.
ReplyDeletePPD... Yep. I told every doctor who would listen that it would probably be a thing for me and I needed to have a game plan. I started therapy before Emilia arrived, I still go. There was a day that I went to therapy and cried for a solid 20 minutes without saying a single word. Sobbing. I was on meds. I am on meds. I like me better on meds. There are options for you if that's the road you want to take. I can give you names and numbers of people to talk to if you want... sometimes an unbiased ear is helpful. At any rate, big friggin hugs to you and thank you for sharing.
you can't be this self aware and be a dick mom! I felt immense disappointment when I found out our first wasn't a girl (even told the US tech that she was wrong) and indifference when they told me our second was a girl. PP sucks. I didn't realize that is what I was going through until about 6 months after I had our daughter. I thought the crying and anxiety was just normal new mom stuff - I started taking to some of my friends and found out that many of them had to take something and that for subsequent pregnancies, they started before the wee one arrived. Something to consider...I feel so much better now and am not crippled by the crying and sense of doom. So much so that I have penned a letter to both of them a few times for being such a "dick mom" for almost a year just because I thought it was normal. Boys are great - they straight up ADORE their mamas. I wouldn't change our family set up for anything in the whole wide world - Watching our kids "fall in love" with each other is seriously one of the most magical and beautiful things to witness. Sibling love is something that comes early and is awe inspiring to behold. Aubin will be a great big sister and you guys will be a beautiful family - little guy doesn't even know how lucky he is! XOXO
ReplyDeleteThe ultrasound tech originally told me that Lucy was a boy, and although I was happy that my baby was healthy, I was very disappointed. Then we found out it was a girl through amnio, and it was like a weight had been lifted. Mark was clearly more excited also as we knew this would be our only baby and both of us secretly wanted a girl though we didn't want to admit it out loud. It is perfectly ok to want what you want, and I know you Lindsey - you will love this little guy with all of your heart the second that you meet him. And besides, I hear that there is a lot less drama with boys and they LOVE their mamas :)
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