Unsolicited Advice to New Moms

Everyone I know is currently knocked up. All I want to do is rub all your bellies and gloat over how beautiful you all look!!! After counting off the top of my head, 10 of my friends are going to be parents in 2016!! Another one of my good friends told me that they were pregnant yesterday and she was asking me some mama questions so I figured, ehh what new mom doesn’t LOVE unsolicited advice??

When people play the Name Game with you, tell them to go to hell. Your kid, your name. This is the one time in your life you get to be mean and not have to have feelings about it.

Buy yourself some maternity clothes asap. Buy them big because you will get big. They are comfy, happy, and make you and tiny look awesome.  I secretly wish I could still wear some of my pants and shirts from when I had my huge belly. When you are done buying clothes, go grab yourself some rainbow chip frosting because you are pregnant and that shit is amazing.

If you can, workout during your pregnancy. I truly believe that is what made the delivery and recovery so easy on me. Walk, run, lift, do what you do just keep moving with the approval of your doctor.

You get one flip out at work. One. Use it wisely. I had a super ugly, Kim Kardashian cry in my bosses office---not my finest moment and I felt like I wasted my flip. You are allowed to have psycho emotions so use it to your advantage.

Do NOT feel bad if you don’t immediately feel head over heels for this tiny alien creation that just popped into your life. It is honestly terrifying, scary and awesome all at the same time. It is a super hard emotion to process. If we are being honest, I needed time due to my Postpartum and it was around the time of Aubins first smile that my heart was stolen.

Magnesium Citrate-Its gross but that first poop after you have pushed a human out of your nethers is just not fun. Mix this devils concoction with some sprite and give yourself 2 hours. It will be the most welcomed diarrhea that you have ever had!! Trust me, you will thank me.

However you decide to feed your kid is the correct way. You will have so many people tell you about this. YOU HAVE TO BREASTFEED, YOU SHOULD USE FORMULA. This is one of those times that you can use your work flip out if necessary. It doesn’t matter who this person is, you are allowed to tell them to F off. Whatever works for you and your baby is the correct way of doing things.

The sooner you do Crying it out/Ferber method/shut the hell up and go to sleep child the more sleep you will get. This was the hardest for me. We tried Ferberizing Aubin at 4 months and 6 months but I just couldn’t do it. Her screaming just pierced my heart and made me want to die. Its like it just rung in my head screaming “You suck and you are a terrible mother, she is going to be messed up and have parent issues when she grows up” UGH. Well apparently my heart has gone cold in the last week because I just needed sleep so badly that we just let her cry one night. I was so frustrated and crabby that I just couldn’t. Cry tiny sister cry. Then cry some more. 25 minutes later she hunkered down and passed out. Well damn that was okay. The next night, 6 minutes. 6. My sleep tracker said I got 7:59 hours of sleep. That is almost 8 hours…of sleep. Praise newborn baby Jesus.

what a creep :)

All you mamas and mamas to be are just so awesome!! Enjoy this because it goes by fast. As with all unsolicited advice, feel free to disregard anything that you have read. Do what you do because it is your kid and you will have mommy instincts. Just love on that muffin and get all the baby sniffs in before they have oreo all over their face and smell like dirt!

Do Great Things and Happy Holidays!!

Lindsey

Come on, Get Down with the Sickness!!!!

I am pretty sure that there is some form of the plague going around. Definitely the black plague to be exact. Everyone in our home has had it, and it is coming back around. My sickness started 5 weeks ago with a beautiful bout of pink eye. I think my system was below par and then wham bam, death. I was absolutely dead in my tracks. I of course went to the doctor and he said, welcome to winter-goodluck!! I asked him for an inhaler because I had a CrossFit competition the next day and was pretty certain I was going to die. (sidenote we would have placed had I not been a loser---sorry Katherine-I couldn’t breathe) 

I thought we had made it out of the woods and only I had gotten down with the sickness, but noooooOOOOO. After two weeks my poor princess got it.

Check out my snot bubble!!!

Not only did she get sick but she had Croup. It was so awful. She barked like a seal being cut by a chainsaw. When babies have Croup it is beneficial for them to breathe cold air to help reduce the inflammation in their lungs. We sat outside and went for plenty of walks in the cold!! 

I cant even begin to tell you how much puke has been spewed on my face, chest, legs, her chair and carpet. Oddly enough, Levi has seemed to come out clean as a whistle on the puke front. Go figure. On top of the Croup, she had a 103.9 fever, an upper respiratory infection, bi-lateral ear infections, is cutting her top two teeth, and is going through a leap. Johnsons apparently go hard.

On top of her being sick for 14 days, I had to leave for a work trip to go to Boston. Levi was awesome and stayed home with her for a whole week because she couldn’t go to daycare. What a trooper he is. Taking care of a healthy baby all day is exhausting, let alone taking care of a sickly one!!

She is finally getting over the mass quantity of crud she has been dealing with but I on the other hand, STILL am jacked up. My ears hurt, I cant breathe out of my nose and I have nasty coughing fits. Here is to Levi staying out of the line of fire and a healthy Christmas for all!!

Do Great Things!!

Linds