Thank you, everyone

I want to take a moment and say thank you to everyone that has reached out to me in the last day. I am always in awe over the response from controversial posts like the one yesterday or the previous postpartum blog. Everyone has a story or some thing that they could contribute.

Its all about standing out. 

Thank you to the teddy bear of a man that let me cry on his shoulder in the supply closet as I was hiding at work.

Thank you to anyone who shared a personal story via fb, pm, or text. I appreciate your experience, thoughts and your wisdom.

Thank you to the girl I haven't spoken to since college. I appreciate your outlook that he may grow up to be whomever he wants to be. Boy, girl, transgender, or anything he wants. The different perspective was what I needed.

Thank you world for the Scary Mommy post about the bond between moms and their boys. Thank you Big Bang Theory for the show on gender disappointment. The universe is serendipitous like that.

Thank you to Levi, Aubin and Baby J. You all dont know what you mean to me. Thank you for being so patient and understanding. Aubs-thanks for the cuddles yesterday and the great Moana adventure last night :)

Lastly, To the people that may not fully understand how someone can feel the way I do, thank you. You may, or may not have reached out but I thank you because everyone is struggling with something and we all need to be there for each other.

That last sentence is worth repeating. Everyone is struggling with something. My issues do not devalue what may be affecting you in your life, and vise versa. Everyone should understand we are all fighting something regardless of how big or small an issue is to you. It shouldn't matter what is happening in your life, someone else may facing THEIR biggest issue on the same day. Be kind because you don't know, nor can you tell a person how to feel--regardless of how you think they should be feeling.

Again, thank you all for the kind words, the hugs, texts, and prayers!!! So today I will brush my shoulders off like Miss A. and make it a good day.

Do great things
Linds

Baby Boy "Blues"

I've gone back and forth about writing this. I don't want to offend anyone or make anyone think that I'm a shitty person. Lately, this has gotten way out of control even for me so I felt the need to write about it. I guess posts like this is what my blog is all about-so here goes.

I am struggling with the thought of having a boy.

A rare moment of Aubs loving the bump

It seems so silly to feel the way that I do. I have friends who are not able to have babies and friends whose babies are no longer physically on this earth and I am sad that I'm having a boy? A healthy, wiggling, kicking boy? WTF is wrong with me? How can I feel like this when so many people would give anything to have my baby boy?

I think that every time I start to get sinking feeling. We were so sure it was a girl that I think that set me up. I've gone through waves of being fine and then waves of being very low. I have been in a low for longer than I would like.  Last night was my breaking point- I finally broke down and sobbed in Levi's arms. He knew I was having a hard time, but I'm not sure he knew it was this serious. 

Every day there is something that picks at me about it. Aubin consistently tells me he is a girl. She wants to name him "girl". I've cried in target while looking at boys clothes and then realizing that I wandered to the baby girl section while touching the fabrics and twisting the bows around my fingers. I'm not even remotely motivated to start his room or get baby man clothes hung up in his closet. Names?? Yeah, nope. I think that is what hurts me the most about this right now. I am not giving him the same affection that I had for Aubin and that makes me feel the worst. Don't get this construed with me not wanting my child- that is not the case at all. He was planned and is very wanted and needed. 

"Making this shit up as I go" is an understatment

One thing I am worried about is the fact that my postpartum was so bad with Aubin that I don't want baby boy to come out and it be even worse because I'm being a dick mom who can't feel happy about adding a boy to our family. PP is such a shitty head-space and I don't want to set ourselves up for failure already. Maybe I need to go on my meds prior to dude coming. I DEFINITELY need to go talk to someone about what is happening in my head. 

The other day prior to my meltdown Levi told me that he still felt like he was meant to be an all girl dad but was okay with the challenge of a boy. That makes me happy at least. And thank you. Thank you for being so patient with me, and listening to me and holding me while I cry on you. I love you.

I'm sure that this has happened to other people and I would love to hear advice for how to handle it---good or bad. I cant be the only mom who has struggled with this right??

Just survive,
Linds