Baby Boy "Blues"

I've gone back and forth about writing this. I don't want to offend anyone or make anyone think that I'm a shitty person. Lately, this has gotten way out of control even for me so I felt the need to write about it. I guess posts like this is what my blog is all about-so here goes.

I am struggling with the thought of having a boy.

A rare moment of Aubs loving the bump

It seems so silly to feel the way that I do. I have friends who are not able to have babies and friends whose babies are no longer physically on this earth and I am sad that I'm having a boy? A healthy, wiggling, kicking boy? WTF is wrong with me? How can I feel like this when so many people would give anything to have my baby boy?

I think that every time I start to get sinking feeling. We were so sure it was a girl that I think that set me up. I've gone through waves of being fine and then waves of being very low. I have been in a low for longer than I would like.  Last night was my breaking point- I finally broke down and sobbed in Levi's arms. He knew I was having a hard time, but I'm not sure he knew it was this serious. 

Every day there is something that picks at me about it. Aubin consistently tells me he is a girl. She wants to name him "girl". I've cried in target while looking at boys clothes and then realizing that I wandered to the baby girl section while touching the fabrics and twisting the bows around my fingers. I'm not even remotely motivated to start his room or get baby man clothes hung up in his closet. Names?? Yeah, nope. I think that is what hurts me the most about this right now. I am not giving him the same affection that I had for Aubin and that makes me feel the worst. Don't get this construed with me not wanting my child- that is not the case at all. He was planned and is very wanted and needed. 

"Making this shit up as I go" is an understatment

One thing I am worried about is the fact that my postpartum was so bad with Aubin that I don't want baby boy to come out and it be even worse because I'm being a dick mom who can't feel happy about adding a boy to our family. PP is such a shitty head-space and I don't want to set ourselves up for failure already. Maybe I need to go on my meds prior to dude coming. I DEFINITELY need to go talk to someone about what is happening in my head. 

The other day prior to my meltdown Levi told me that he still felt like he was meant to be an all girl dad but was okay with the challenge of a boy. That makes me happy at least. And thank you. Thank you for being so patient with me, and listening to me and holding me while I cry on you. I love you.

I'm sure that this has happened to other people and I would love to hear advice for how to handle it---good or bad. I cant be the only mom who has struggled with this right??

Just survive,
Linds

Being Knocked Up Part Deux

When people ask me how this pregnancy is different from the first time all I can say is I’m God damn exhausted. I could end this blog post right here because that legit sums up everything that I am feeling.

This time around things are so much harder. Chasing a 2.5 year old and being pregnant is hard. Being sick every day is hard. Getting fat so much sooner is hard. The whole thing is HARD. 

Wait, I have to share my stuff?? 

Ha. You're joking right?

But contrary to my previous bitching, there are some funny/amazing parts. Aubin is obsessed with her baby. She wants to name “her” ROCK lol. Also, every night we have this elaborate goodnight kiss routine: 3 kisses, 1 nose kiss, kiss aubs forehead, she kissed mine, and then exchange butterfly kisses. Aggressive but it works. Anyway, now she doles out the smootches to levi, the dog, me and then lifts my shirt up and mashes her nose as far as she can into my belly button and has to “kiss the baby” <3

Another funny thing that recently happened was LJ and I went on a date to the new Ethiopian place downtown. Service sucked, food was whatever but we had fun. If you have ever eaten Ethiopian food you know the next morning you have the same smell aura as if you went on a drinking bender with the coolest Frat in college. You smell like food death. Sounds cool until your nostrils are burning and you are dying. Long story short, Levi farted in the kitchen while I was cooking breakfast and I immediately threw up. Not a joke. Fart = Vomit. That’s how badly we smelled. We both couldn’t stop laughing about that one. I’m laughing as I type it actually.

This man--smell like death?? no.way.

This time around I am much lax with everything. Food- I would like it all thank you. Nope I am not going to track that shit in My Fitness Pal, and Macros?? Get out of here with that crap. I am going to enjoy this amazing process with my buffet pants and be happy. Yes, I know I will gain weight...I am making a human.

Mama's over it. I'm over it. 

All in all we are very lucky to be on this baby journey again. We are all so happy to have another person to snuggle and love when the time comes. I hope all my craziness now makes sense---I’m really not a super asshole, I am just pregnant and crazy.  

Do great things

Linds

Potty Training Blunders

Momma Blog update because I have a toddler and writing is hard. 

1-We turned 2. She had a Brown Bear Brown Bear themed party. Momma spent too much.

2-We took a trip to Ohio to see the family. Zoo. African Safari. Tofts Ice Cream. Grandparents. Solo momma on the airplane home.

   -We talk in full sentences. “No, no, no, momma! Stop talking!” cool.

4 -Aubs switched schools. Momma spent/spends too much.

Which brings us to the point of today’s blog. We are in full on potty training mode. Like let’s pick out the cutest baby undies in the world, and try not to pee on Minnies head. Meh. Whatever works?

We are very serious about pee and coloring

The new school has totally killed it with potty training. They have these super mini toilets (not even the seats, like full on tiny toilets) and the kids can just hop right up and do their things. They told us to send her to school with panties on and I nearly fainted. Whatttt?? My Tiny in panties at school??? Y’all serious because you’re going to be cleaning up pee all day long. Needless to say, it took them 3 days before she had an accident free day. THREE DAYS. That night we went to the store and picked out a toy that she wanted and came home. I set her up to watch some Mickey Mouse Clubhouse like any good mother would, and then heard “Mommy, I go pee pee!!” Cool, I thought, and walked over to give her a high five. Problem was, she was sitting on the couch-between the cushions-soaked in pee. Fantastic. Hopefully, soon she gets it.

 Here are some other funny things that we have gone through:

Aubin shit on the floor and then tried to pick it up and put it in the potty. Nice try sister. A for effort.

Every time we sit on the “big potty” we need to brush our teeth. For some reason she has linked these two activities together. I'm down with it because she brushes her teeth probably 58 times a day. #teamnocavities

She picked up the "pee bin" from her baby potty and tried to put it in the big toilet. And spilled it. Without missing a beat appropriately yelled, “God Damnit”. I feel you girl, I feel you.

Every snapchat I have of her, in some form has her naked butt or her sitting on the pot. Its her fav.

Coming out of the target potty….”Daddy, I peed!! Mommy pooped!!” Well played little, well played. 

Terrified looking as she walked in on Levi standing a peeing.

She farts and says “I toot” with a smug look J

Word count:

Potty-7

Pee-9

Grossness- Zillion

Do great things

Linds

A Year Since Aubin's Seizure

It has been a whole year since Aubin had her febrile seizure. A whole year. This morning I woke up and as I was getting myself ready I hesitantly looked at my timehop knowing the pictures that were coming. My poor tiny, frail, red faced baby doll all strapped in an ambulance. You can read the whole story here as even writing about it gives me the uneasy belly.

Since last year, I have become the mama bear about fevers and medicine for babies. Anytime she feels remotely warm she gets Motrin. We cycle Motrin and Tylenol and I truly don’t feel like I am “ruining her liver” or “making her dependent” as some people see it. We believe that she has had one other seizure since last year but cannot be sure as it was in the middle of the night and we did not witness it. That was a very hard event to swallow knowing that we were not there for her during that scary time.

Here is what I have learned about that situation though. Know the Emergency Room that you will be going to in case of well, an emergency. We didn’t know, and we could have saved an hour or so by having that information on hand instead of me calling BCBS and trying to figure out where to go. I feel a lot of mommy guilt for not knowing. Sounds super easy but you wouldn’t believe the people that don’t know where to go!! I mean we didn’t! This leads to trusting yourself and your mom/dad gut as well. I knew we needed to go to the ER but we waited it out and it was the wrong decision. Trust your instincts.

Finally, Aubin has been on the up and up for the last 6 or so months (knock on wood). We still do breathing treatments twice a day. She is vivacious, loud and amazing!! She knows how to count to 20, can say her alphabet (h-i-j-k- ELMO-p), talks like a grown up and is working on potty training.

I cannot image our lives without that beautiful baby!! Happy ambulance ride day girlfriend—I hope we never have to experience that ever again!

Do great things

Linds

The queen-mother of dirty words, the “F-dash-dash-dash” word!

It finally happened. A few weeks ago I was having a particularly rough morning getting our lives in order for work and school. Things are usually semi easy for me in the AM, Levi goes to work out so I am in charge of my Diva Baby Miss A. 

We wake up, eat, do her breathing treatment and out the door to take her to school. Well on this day she was cranky about getting up, pissed off at her pancakes and sausage, and had no desire to sit and do her treatment. After fighting with her for what seemed like forever to put her mask on, she finally got her shit together because I had put Mickey on the TV. [Whatever you awesome parents who don’t allow your children to watch TV…you’re amazing, and we suck]

My sweet baby pointed to the couch next to her and said, “Mommy sit.”

And then it happened. I sat down on the couch and subsequently sat on the remote and turned off Mickey. After the stress of getting Aubin to even start her treatment, my first reaction was…..F*CK. And I said it---I said it out loud and with feeling while fumbling with the clicker to put precious Mickey on before the meltdown started.

I didnt do anything

“F*CK Mommy”

THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the “F-dash-dash-dash” word! Just like in the Christmas story.

Oh man I'm in trouble

Okay well that just happened I thought. “Mommy is sorry Aubin, let’s watch Mickey together.” Thank God she only said it once. I’m sure she stored it in her little sponge of a brain to pull out when we are in church or at a family function. You know somewhere super appropriate.

A few days after, Levi was making her toast for breakfast and dropped the butter knife on the floor and butter slushed everywhere. He claims that he quietly said “Oh Shit” under his breath. Quietly enough so little miss parrot mouth heard and loudly exclaimed “OH SHIT DADDY!!”

Why does she have to throw us under the bus like that? Girl just cuss…don’t say Mommy or Daddy after.

Well we made it 20 months. That has to be a record for someone of my amazing sailor vocabulary right?? And for the record because I know he will love this, Yes, I was the first one to teach Aubin her first curse word...not Levi :)

Do Great things

Linds

The Milk Boob Chronicles Part 2

I have been excited and dreading writing this post for 16.5 months now. Saturday night was our last night breastfeeding. If you think about it 16 months is an aggressive amount of time to do anything let alone feed someone. I have to admit I cried like a baby. And then I cried more. NEVER in my life did I think that I would be so torn up about giving this up but at the same time I am excited to have my body back to myself.

The last supper

We have had our share of ups and downs. Feeding was awful at first. She gave me blood blisters and they would crack and bleed for the first 3 weeks we were feeding. It was some of the worst pain that I can remember. I would have to take a deep breath, let her latch, and then let her eat. (blah blah blah I know it shouldn’t hurt but whatever you people are smoking dope because it did). Anyway, then 2 months later we went through nipple confusion. She didn’t know if she wanted a bottle or the boob so that was one of our more awful experiences. I remember wanting to throw in the towel.

I will never forget going out to eat at the mellow mushroom with my mom and sister. Aubin was only 15 days old and she started crying at the restaurant. I had never fed in public so I pulled out my giant cover and put it on. Then I realized that shit was heavy, and it was hot, and I couldn’t see what I was doing. Aubin was basically on fire and was having no part of eating in a sauna. However, I wasn’t comfortable nursing without a cover then so again I was discouraged. Thank goodness we figured out how to use the two shirt method and not to give a shit about other people!! #normalizebreastfeeding

Ill miss her being milk-drunk

Feeding Lady A just became easy. She was good at it, I had a ton of milk, and it made her happy. Win-Win-Win. Pumping, not so much. That shit sucked. I hated pumping so much. No one wants to drag a suction torture device around for a year, hook it up to your tits, and just sit there like a cow all while trying to write a report that is due in 3 hours. Its just not fun. I had the worst imbalance of milk production ever. Usually it was 4:1. Im totally going to need a boob job on my right side! As an engineer (of medical devices) I am totally bamboozled on  how someone has not redesigned that piece-of-shit-tit-sucker.

straight up 4:1 ratio of milk 

Finally, we figured it out. She would nurse, I would catch up on my candy crush and all would be well in the world. 

Until recently. Aubs was getting squirmier while we fed at night. She would only nurse on one side and I was sick of fighting her and trying to “trick” her with different positions. We decided to make the jump into cutting her off last Friday so I could have a whole day to prepare. I think it was so hard for me because it is legit the last thing that is tethering her to still being a BABY.

Saturday night, we gave her a bath, and wrapped her snug in her jammies. I made Levi document the big day. I cried and Aubin patted my boob like she always did. I held her other little hand. When she was done she said “Morrre” and I had to tell her there was no more and now she is a little girl who drinks big girl milk. She honestly didn’t seem to care at that point so we snuggled up and I read her some books before kissing her goodnight and tucking her in with her white fuzzy blanket.

Crying like a baby

I look back on all the extra special time I got to spend with her one on one, the tears cried over legit spilled milk, the puke, burps, hours of zombieness, and I am thankful that we nursed for so long. Now my baby is a big girl!!

So much puke all down my arm

Here is a fun factoid: If I estimate that from beginning to end, I was making 20 ounces a day for 504 days. That equals 10,080 ounces!! Convert that into gallons and you have 78.75 GALLONS of breast milk. If we were talking in terms of formula, at $0.14 times 10080 ounces, it would have cost $1400 if it was a 1:1 ratio of milk to formula (at 2:1 ratio it is $2117). That's money for a nice vacation for us :) 

Do Great Things 

Lindsey

Open Letter To One Of My Best Friends As She Has Her First Kid

The countdown is on and your tiny princes will be arriving shortly. I am so excited for you and your entire clan of a family. I wish so much that I could be there to smush those baby cheeks and hold her while you take a shower and breathe or cry. Other than that, good luck. You have a long few months ahead of you!!

Here is my unsolicited advice for you last few weeks or days sans child.

Go on a date. Right now. Go. Out to eat, the movies, shit go anywhere. For a few weeks you won’t feel like doing anything besides sleeping.

Don't forget to take a picture of your belly as close to delivery as possible!!! It is awesome to see the differences 

Stock up on food. And honestly, probably not even real food—I’m talking some grab and eat in 5 seconds kind of food. Might I suggest clif builder bars or speghettios? Both have their pros and cons about them but I will let you decide.

You know that baby room you worked so hard to get finished prior to littles arrival??…You won’t see if for probably 2-3 months when you are okay with your kid sleeping further than 3 mm away from you. Go in there and soak it in right now. Sit in her chair and read “Ill love you forever” and enjoy a moment of silence as fat tears stream down your face.

When people offer to help-let them. When all of our friends come over to see the baby, tell them before they get to hold her, do the dishes or vacuum. Make a list of chores that will need to be done so when people come over and ask how to help it is already to go and you can just delegate. Don’t be ashamed at all. People like to feel needed and you need help. [I’ll send a meal from NC once you get settled]

Prep for having a kid come out of your vagina or belly. Either way is fine and you have “given” birth. Know you will more than likely poop during birth, and well that’s cool because whatever you’re having a damn kid. Either way you have her, you be in pain for the following days. Grab you some granny panties and a bathrobe and enjoy not wearing any pants.

Steal as much shit from the hospital as you can---or ask for it…whatever you ethical people do. Get all the newborn diapers you can snag because that shit is expensive and if you don’t have to buy it. Ask for diaper cream, onesies, nipple cream, anything you can really think of that you would need. TAKE IT ALL.

Whether you breast feed or bottle feed, it is the right way to feed your baby. Don’t let people pressure you.

These last two are my most important J

Get Daddy on the same page as you. There are going to be a ton of people all around you and you will need someone to advocate for you who is in somewhat of a “sane” mind. Make sure he knows when to tell people to GTFO and at the same time is not afraid to ask for help.

Trust your instincts. But don’t be afraid of some Mom/Friend Knowledge!! We love you and are so excited for you to enter into the mom-hood sorority!!! 

Do Great Things and Push Hard!!
Lindsey

PS I totally recommend an epidural :) 

PSS Dont blink because soon she will be a grown up!!